Fight for Freedom
by Chris7221
Summary: PARODY Martin and his friends Gonff and Dinny go on a quest to save Mossflower. Clothing on fire and things that don't belong in the Redwall world, oh boy! Rated T to be safe. Please R&R. The end part is done and UPDATED! AGAIN!
1. Chapter 1 Murder and Prison

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Redwall or any of the characters. They belong to Brian Jacques.

This is my first real fanfiction story. It's a parody and therefore supposed to be funny. Review it if you want.

* * *

It was a cold winter morning. A tough looking mouse with a sword on his back walked along the path toward the castle. It was an old red sandstone thing that had fallen into disrepair, and it was occupied by vermin. 

And slaves.

A low ranking rat and one of the guard Captains watched from inside the building. The low ranking rat was standing behind a flak machine gun (don't ask me what it's doing in this story).

"Should I blow his head off, chief?" asked the rat.

"No, wave to him."

"Why? He's an enemy!"

"We need more slaves. Hold your fire."

"Aw, whatever."

Without warning the rat pulled the trigger, sending a hail of bullets toward the mouse.

Martin dived swiftly behind a rock as a hail of bullets came raining down. He waited a few minutes, then continued along the path.

* * *

In the castle, Kotir, Verdauga Greeneyes lay in bed, terribly ill. Nearby, a fox and another wildcat conversed.

"So, have you done it, Fortunata?" asked the wildcat.

"Yes, Lady Tsarmina, I have," Fortunata pointed at a Rube Goldberg contraption hung on the ceiling.

Suddenly the doors burst open and two rats came in, dragging Martin behind them.

One of the rats said, "We got attacked by a group of mice, but we could only capture this one."

"No, we found this one sleeping by the roadside." The rat received a kick from the other rat.

Verdauga yelled rather hoarsely, "Throw him in prison!"

"Aye, aye, sir!"

Just then another cat came in. "Why are you sending the mouse into prison?"

"Shut your trap, Gingivere," replied Tsarmina.

"Now be a good little pussy cat and don't be so mean to your brother. I'm going for a drink of water," Verdauga said.

He stepped out of the bed, right onto a pedal, which pulled a string attached to a domino. The domino fell over, but nothing happened.

"FORTUNATA! How many times have I told you, dominoes go small side DOWN. Ah well, I'll just have to do it the hard way."

Tsarmina stabbed Verdauga with a small dagger. Fortunata began to scream incomprehensible babble and the whole horde rushed in.

"Murder, murder! Verdauga's been murdered!" yelled an er... damaged pine marten named Ashleg, the second in command. "Who did this!"

Gingivere pointed at Tsarmina.

Tsarmina pointed at Gingivere, blood dripping from her finger.

Fortunata pointed at Ashleg.

Ashleg pointed at himself.

"Hmmm, tough call. I'm guessing... Gingivere! Hail Queen Tsarmina!"

"Throw him in prison and forget about him. Don't give him food or water... no give him a little."

* * *

The winter was long for Martin, but in early spring he gained a cell mate.

Gonff the mousetheif was thrown in prison for stealing food. He quickly made friends with Martin.

Halfway through spring, Gonff said to Martin, "I think we can escape, matey."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EARLIER, YOU USELESS LUMP OF SLIME! Ah never mind, get on with it!"

Gonff replied, "We crawl out that hole right there, then walk through the hole in the wall.

That's how they escaped. They weren't noticed, and made their way to a place called Brockhall.

* * *

Coming in chapter 2- Happy Pills and Gonff's Clothing Catches Fire 


	2. Chapter 2 Riddles and Pills

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Redwall or any of the characters. They belong to Brian Jacques.

* * *

At Brockhall Gonff and Martin were introduced to many creatures- Bella the badger, Abbess Germaine and her mice from Loamhedge, Foremole and his moles, Skipper and his otters, Lady Amber and her squirrels, and various woodlanders.

After having a massive lunchinner (lunch and dinner combined) which left them both with bellies ten times their normal size, Bella ushered them into her private study.

"As soon as I saw you I knew you were a warrior, from the bright robe, flashy eyes, and massive bright sword. I have a task for you, which is no doubt totally useless, retarded, and pointlessly dangerous, but whatever."

"Riiiiiiiight." Martin looked at himself (without a mirror). He was wearing a shabby green tunic and his sword was normal-sized and rusted down to a hilt. He couldn't tell if his eyes were flashy but he suspected they weren't.

Gonff whispered into his ear, "She's had too many happy pills today."

They were interrupted by Bella yelling, "I WANT YOU TO FIND MY FATHER BEER THE FIGHTER! ERRR... I MENT BOAR THE FIGHTER! I THINK HE WENT TO SALAMANDERSTRON. I MEANT SELAMENDERSTORN. OR WAS IT SALAMANDASTRON? YES, I THINK IT'S THE LAST ONE!"

Martin and Gonff were doubled over in pain. Their ears were ringing.

Five minutes later Martin asked, "What's Salamandastron?"

"Either an ancient badger mountain or a Russian nuclear missile sub base. Or both."

"Ah crap." Gonff leaned against the desk, and a little box popped out. He opened it and found a piece of paper. Or maybe parchment (it was pretty yellow and smelled funny). Either way, it was covered in strange lettering. "I think it's in Greek!"

Bella took the piece of paper (or parchment). "No, it's badger script."

"It's all Greek to me."

"Badger script!"

"GREEK!"

"BADGER SCRIPT!"

This continued for half an hour before one of Gonff's ear drums exploded and he gave up. However, Bella was angry because the explosion ruined one of her worst pencils. Before it could heat up, however, a mole came in.

"What's with all the yelling?" he said (no molespeech because it wasn't invented yet).

"WE'RE TRYING TO SOLVE A RIDDLE!" screamed Martin.

"Here's what it says," said Bella in a depressed voice. She was experiencing happy pill drop.

_For you who seeks the place,_

_If you are stupid and need a map,_

_Look for the family crest,_

_More clues lie hidden there._

"Where's the crest?" asked Gonff.

"Oh, about fifty places in here."

"Great."

* * *

Five hours and forty broken pieces of metal later they found the right crest. It was above the fireplace, above a shelf. Bella boosted Gonff onto the shelf, and he began doing a weird dance.

"Ooh ah ah ah ah ARRRGH this is hot!" said Gonff, "Didn't you turn it off?"

"Uh, Gonff, it's a wood fireplace," stated Martin.

"ARRGH! I've got a piece of paper, or maybe parchment!" He jumped down recklessly, his clothing hem catching fire on the fireplace. Dinny the mole quickly grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and put it out.

"It's a map!" said Bella after taking the piece of paper.

"Okay, we know where to go. Now what?" asked Martin.

"Oh, you find him, bring him back and he'll take back Mossflower."

The next morning the three friends were packed and travelling.

* * *

Coming in chapter 3- Little Hedgehogs and Attack Idiocracies! 


	3. Chapter 3 Warriors and Attacks

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Redwall or any of the characters. They belong to Brian Jacques.

Ferdy and Coggs were two little hedgehogs who wanted to be warriors. This had got them into trouble ten million times before, but they were still undeterred. The two hedgehogs grabbed sticks, mixing-bowl helmets, and a full picnic basket and wandered off into the woods.

* * *

Meanwhile, Tsarmina had sent about five hundred vermin into the woods to "Get some slaves! We need food dammit!" They bumbled along, walking in circles and attacking each other (sometimes on purpose). It was around midday when one group of forty was separated and attacked.

Lady Amber had her squirrels up in the treetops. "Two, three, one, FIRE!" The squirrels threw their swords and pulled out their bows as she shouted the command.

About a score (which is either 20 or 200) of vermin were slain by the swords. Their leader shouted, "It's the squirrels! Attack them!" Of course, vermin are stupid so they threw grenades up into the trees, which promptly fell back down and detonated. The results are too gruesome to describe here (actually, I'm just too lazy). The squirrels jumped down, which was quite painful. Seeing that their enemy had been turned into paste, they jumped back up into the trees and left.

Meanwhile, Ferdy and Coggs had run straight into a vermin patrol. They slew about threescore (60 or maybe 600) before being pepper sprayed and passing out. Normally pepper spray wouldn't do that, but it was illegal strength.

The two little hedgehogs were thrown into the same cell as Gingivere. Tsarmina had ordered everyone to forget about him, so they assumed the cell was empty.

"Waaah Waaah Waaah Big kitty scary!" said Coggs when he saw Gingivere.

"IF YOU EVER CALL ME KITTY AGAIN I'LL KILL YOU! Awww, you're so cute. What are your names?"

"Coggs," said Ferdy.

"Ferdy," said Coggs.

"Well, I think we'll be friends for a while."

* * *

"GONFF! I told you to PACK SOME WATER!" yelled an enraged Martin.

"Well SO-RRY but you told me you HATED WATER!" replied Gonff.

"No, that was Dinny. DINNY!" yelled Martin.

Dinny began to run, but he had short legs so Martin soon caught up. Martin was about to pounce when he saw a pack on the ground and skidded to a halt. "Hey, what's in the pack?"

* * *

Tsarmina was enraged. She had lost a hundred troops, which was something like 5 of her horde. She ran around shouting random orders and screaming at creatures for absolutely no reason. Horde beasts scattered left and right as she stomped about. Suddenly, she collapsed to her knees shouting, "WATER, WATER, I'm all wet!" The room cleared extremely quickly.

Meanwhile a Loamhedge mouse named Columbine (who had taken a liking to Gonff, but we won't talk about that because this isn't a romance) was traveling toward a tree. "Chibb, where are you, I have candied chestnuts!"

As soon as she mentioned candy, a fat robin crashed to the ground beside her.

"Hem, ahem, chestnuts? For free?"

"No, greedy, you get 000,000,000,001 bags if you spy for us. Agreed?"

"Ahem, yes, for that price, hem, hem."

"Good. I'll see you at Brockhall."

* * *

Coming in chapter 4- Chibb and Argulor, and the Contents of the Pack! 


	4. Chapter 4 Birds and more Pills

I do not own Redwall. It belongs to Brian Jacques. This is a parody of one of his books. Sorry BJ.

* * *

Argulor was an old eagle. He was slow and his eyesight was terrible. If you put up two fingers he would say two toes. He mostly ate horde beasts because they were slow and easy to see. He never ate woodlanders, because their goody-two-shoes-ness made them taste terrible. This enraged Tsarmina very much. She offered a big prize of 25 million nanocents to anyone who could kill the eagle (that's why they have flak guns).

Today Argulor wanted to eat Ashleg. He had never tasted pine marten, except for the time one made him sick, and that time when he almost died, and...

Then he was spotted. "The eagle! The eagle!"

As that was shouted, one hundred gunners went to fifty flak guns of various descriptions and filled the air with black clouds of flak. Argulor rolled and dived at what he thought was Ashleg.

It was actually just a twisted rat with a wooden leg and the same cloak. Argulor realized this and dropped him into a chimney.

Meanwhile, Chibb had snuck into the castle through a vent (yes, it's always a vent). After making his way through a labyrinth a vent shafts and corridors with sleeping guards in them he finally found Gingivere and the hedgehogs.

"Birdy! I like the taste of birdy!" Gingivere tried to catch Chibb, then snapped back to his senses, "What are you doing here?"

"I, ahem, am here to spy. Would you like me to carry a message to the Corim?"

"Yes, I'm hungry and I have the hogs. What's Corim- MMM BIRDY!"

Chibb had already flown off to Brockhall.

* * *

"Water, water!" yelled Martin, "We've got water, eight flasks of it!" He drained two flasks in one gulp then smashed them to pieces for no real reason.

"Wait for us!" Gonff and Dinny came and drank to flasks each. They kept the flasks but threw away the corks.

"Hoi, there's moire stoif in here!"

What Dinny said was true (he had begun to invent molespeech too, but who cares). There were seven canteens containing water, three containing cordial (whatever cordial is), fifteen Long Patrol issue dry insta-cook ration packs with built in heaters, and three plastic pill bottles. One was full of 'Maxi-Overdose Illegal Strength Warrior Pills' and the other two were filled with 'Maxi-Overdose Ultra Illegal Strength Traveling Pills'.

"What's in these, matey?" asked Gonff, holding up a bottle of Traveling Pills.

"Burr, thurrs twenty grams sugar, ten groims caffeine, loits of things I cant roid, and some sort oive secret ingredient mix. I doin't thoink you want to know."

"DINNY! Don't talk like that, it's really annoying!" yelled Gonff.

"Somehow I don't want to know what's in these warrior pills," muttered Martin.

Each of the three friends took a traveler pill and sped off.

* * *

"WHAT! THOSE HOGS ARE IN KOTIR! HOLD ON, I'M GOING TO TAKE SOME HAPPY PILLS!" boomed Cregga I meant Bella, exploding Abbess Germaine's eardrums.

"I think this calls for an all-out assault!" said Amber the Lady- err... Lady Amber.

"No, that's suicide! I think we should get a really long hose and flood them out!" replied Otter of Skippers- I meant Skipper of Otters ow ow!

"Yeah, _that_ would be suicide!" retaliated Amber.

They kept arguing until Bella came back.

"No, no we just stay here he he he and have FUN!" said Bella in a strangely quick and high voice.

* * *

Coming in Chapter 5- Pointless Questing and More Fighting! 


	5. Chapter 5 Cannons and Cats

Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall. Brian Jacques does. This is a parody. Sorry BJ.

* * *

"We do WHAT?"

"Simple. We just use that cannon to shoot ourselves over. The circus guys do it all the time," said Gonff.

"Yurr, they'm doan't use a cannon loik this, burr no."

Dinny was right. The cannon they were going to use was a Long Patrol 12-pounder, loaded with what seemed to be incendiary ammo.

"I think we should stick with pole vaulting the ditch."

So that's what they did. Gonff made it over fine, but Dinny kept falling backwards. Martin had an idea. As Dinny jumped onto the pole, Martin fired the cannon into the bottom of the pole. Dinny went flying about fifty feet but was amazingly unhurt (except for the massive bump on his head).

"Whoa, I guess that was HE instead of incendiary. Now, how do I get across?"

* * *

Tsarmina was really angry because her pet cat died so she ordered everyone including herself into the woods. She left the gates open because "Woodlanders are too nice and stupid to do anything."

This proved to be unfortunately untrue. The woodlanders walked right past the horde and into the castle!

* * *

Columbine was in the deepest depths of the err... um... dungeons? No, the basement I think. Yes, it was the basement, when she spotted something.

"It's an underground lake! Quickly, get Foremole and Abbess whatever!"

Two seconds later they were there.

"We could flood them out from here!"

"We're going to fight them head on, numbskull!"

Their thoughts were interrupted by a shout, "Get out, they're coming!"

* * *

Over the next few weeks the travelers made much headway. They were going to cross a river when an adder and a newt came up to them and said, "You may not passssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"

"Aw, shut up stupid!" boomed a gruff voice as a shrew popped out of the bushes. He whacked both the reptiles for half an hour when he finally introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Log-a-log the ferry shrew, but yew kin call me Loggy."

"Hi Loggy. These are Dinny and Gonff. I'm Martin. We're travelers."

"Come to my house. We'll have tea."

* * *

Both Loggy and the travelers exchanged insanely exaggerated tales of their adventures.

"So yeh see, I slew about threescore and then escaped, but all my other tribe was captured by vermin fer slavvies."

"You mean slaves."

"No."

"Yes."

About three hours later this ended as Gonff asked, "Can you take us to Salamandastron?"

"Which one? I can take you to the one with the badger, but not the one near Polyarnyy."

"The first one!" chanted the travelers in unison.

The next dawn they were on the river in Loggy's boat, the Swallow (I think). Dinny was violently sick and was thrashing at everyone else and throwing up at the same time. Then Loggy gave him a 'special shrew remedy' that made him so sick and violent that they had to tie him to the mast and put a bag over his mouth. Unfortunately the bag exploded and sprayed everyone.

"What should we do?"

* * *

Sorry, a little short and not as good this time, but I've got good ideas for the next chapter.

Coming in chapter 6- Crash Course on Escape Techniques and A Sinister Plan


	6. Chapter 6 Escapes and Explosives

Brian Jacques owns Redwall, I do not. You should know that by now, so I'll shut up.

* * *

"WHY THE (CENSORED) DIDN'T YOU LET THEM OUT?!" boomed Bella.

"BECAUSE WE FORGOT, FOR THE 1000th TIME!" Columbine yelled back.

"Stow the gab, mates, I have a plan." Skipped left the room and came back with a ferret.

"IT'S A VERMIN! KILL IT!" screamed Amber the Lady, I mean Lady Amber.

"No, no mates, it's my brother's second cousin's cousin's (twice removed) auntie's nieces brother's shipmate, an otter named only as Mask. Here's the plan."

* * *

[THREE HOURS LATER

"And that's my plan."

"Uh, Skipper? All you did is stand there for three hours and then say, 'and that's my plan'."

"Riiiiiiiiiiight. Now then, let's get to it."

* * *

The travelers were stuck. They were in a hollow mountain with a bunch of bats, and the only exit had an owl on top of it.

"So, how do we get out?" Martin asked the king bat for the umpteenth time.

"I told you, you can't!"

"Zurr Marthen, coom here, oi found something!"

What Dinny found was three hundred neatly stacked crates of explosives and a hundred boxes of detonators.

"We can use these!"

Five hours and lots of grunts later they had piled one hundred and fifty crates under the exit, poked everywhere with detonators and strung with fuse.

"I'm going to light it! Everyone run like blood n' thunder when I say so." Martin lit the fuse.

"RUN!"

* * *

"Come with me!"

Mask had disguised himself as a fox and infiltrated Kotir. He was in the process of rescuing Gingivere and the hogs.

"Hey, what are you doing!" yelled a vermin.

"Run!"

That's what they did. Everyone managed to escape, except for Mask who tripped and was peppered with pepper. I meant salt. I meant arrows! Yes, bullets. He was dragged out into the forest.

"I'm dying," said Mask.

"Oh well. Here, this'll make it easier." Skipper pulled out a gun and shot Mask in the face.

"He died from the arrows! It wasn't me!"

* * *

**KABOOM!**

The explosives were overkill. They blasted the entire top off of the mountain. This angered the bats very much and they chased the travelers west through the swamp and into the dunes for days when they finally stopped.

"Let's get out some lunch," said Gonff. Suddenly a fighter jet flew overhead.

"Fighters, we must be close!"

* * *

"We don't have weapons. We don't have warriors. This is a far better option," said Columbine.

"What, flood them out? Yeah, that's real good," said a very sarcastic Skipper.

"Then what do you suggest?"

"Fight 'em."

"But that's suicide! We don't have the resources!"

"You can't stop us!" yelled Skipper.

"ENOUGH! SHUT UP SKIPPER YOU STUPID LUMP OF SEASCUM-"

Bella was rudely interrupted by Skipper. "River scum, marm."

"WHATEVER! WE STICK WITH THE OTHER PLAN!"

The next day, the woodlanders began building flood tunnels to divert water from the River Moss into Kotir. It was the beginning of the end.

* * *

Sorry it was so short this time, lots of empty lines. Hang in there, the story's almost done.

Coming in chapter 7- The Truth about the Long Patrol!


	7. Chapter 7 The Long Patrol

BJ owns Redwall, I don't. I seriously hope you know that by now.

* * *

Martin and his friends were getting the grand tour of Salamandastron Mountain Complex.

A virtual tour, that is.

"So this is the airstrip, and that's the sub pens over there, you came in here, blah blah blah."

"What do you mean, blah blah blah?" asked Gonff.

"Nevermind. I'll show you to the Lord now."

"Hey, speaking of the Lord, is he always a badger?"

"No. Usually it is, but oftentimes it's a hare, wot wot. Once, we had a bally squirrel, and I think we had an otter a while back. And you don't have to be a hare to join up anymore, haven't had to for ages. Righto, here you are."

* * *

"THOSE SONS OF CENSORED! THOSE CENSORED VERMIN! I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT CENSORED TSARMINA AND SQUISH HER TO A PULP! CENSORED! CENSORED CENSORED! CENSORED CENSORED!

Sorry, we're bang having technical crash difficulties smash! Please stand BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMbywham!zzzzzzzzzt pop

* * *

It was two days later when the friends' ears finally healed. They had only a moment of peace, however, because a ship had appeared on radar.

It was the superultramegaevil vermin ship _Bloodwake_. Boar hated the captain. The captain hated Boar. They had agreed to have a fencing duel after a lot of Morse code and middle fingers.

* * *

"It's not too late, sah, we can still blow the crap out of it with shells!"

"No, I want to fight him. If I don't survive, send all the soldiers except for about two hundred with Martin."

"Aye sah."

About mid afternoon the captain, Iforgothisname, strolled onto the beach. Unknown to Boar, he had fifty troops aiming sniper rifles at him from the ship.

"So, we meet again. Today is your dying day, mouse!" (yes he was a mouse)

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUULALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIfive hours later IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIA!"

With the downright crazy shout finished, Boar hurled himself on Iforgothisname. Unfortunately, the only thing there was sand. They slashed at each other for a few minutes, then Iforgothisname saw his chance and stabbed Boar in the shoulder. He fell down, feinting death. Iforgothisname spat at him, "Not so tough, huh." As he turned around, Boar pulled out a pistol and shot Iforgothisname in the back. Then two things happened at once.

The Long Patrol artilleries began firing shell after shell at _Bloodwake_. The vermin snipers fired at Boar and killed him. Well, he wasn't really dead but the soldiers didn't like him, so they said he was dead.

* * *

"Martin, you are now our Lord!" said some senior squirrel.

"I can't be. How about you? You are second in command!" squeaked Martin.

"Only because of a bribe!"

"So? I don't really care, so if I am Lord, then I give the title to you!"

"Fine. I'll send a bunch of troops with you so I don't have to deal with them."

That bunch of troops turned out to be a fleet of six battleships, seven supercarriers, ten battlecruisers, twenty medium carriers, sixteen cruisers, thirty light cruisers, fifty escort carriers, one hundred destroyers and escorts, seventy frigates, and about three hundred small boats. They also had one hundred twenty troopships full of troops and tanks, as well as some several hundred airplanes and helicopters.

And Martin got a free depleted uranium sword, precision CNC machined.

* * *

Coming in chapter eight- Foxes, Preparations, and Retarded Plans! 


	8. Chapter 8 Fire and Foxes

DISCLAMOUR: If you don't know that by know, um, er, um...

A little short this time, but rather funny I hope!

* * *

Bane was the leader of a group of foxes. Roving, fighting, and Darwin winning foxes. They were stupid, mean, and good at fighting. This being the perfect character for mercenaries, they were hired by Tsarmina right away.

* * *

"So this is how it's going to work. The flood tunnels aren't working, so we'll drop explosives down them and then detonate them below the castle. We'll shell Kotir from the river, and snipers will wreak havoc on the defenders. Planes, helis, and land-based artillery will blast Kotir to bits. Then, if we need to, we'll charge in. Right, I've got to make my threat." Martin flipped the visor (clear polycarbonate, of course!) of his helmet down and proceeded out of the clearing.

* * *

"Tsarmina, can you hear me?" said Martin into the megaphone. He turned it this way and that. "Hmmm, this ISN'T WORKING! NEVERMIND, NOW IT'S WORKING! TESTING, ONE, TWO THREE!"

"HELLO! WHAT DO YOU WANT, MOUSE?" boomed Tsarmina, her voice amplified by a massive PA system.

"YOUR COMPLETE SURRENDER!"

"NEVER!"

"THEN YOU HAVE UNTIL DAWN TO LIVE!"

As Martin jumped off the wall into a trampoline, the first incendiary shells began firing.

* * *

"Milady, the we have fires! The gates are on fire! The windows are on fire! The steel reinforced concrete is on fire! EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE! YAY, I LOVE FIRE!"

"YOU STUPID, WORTHLESS PIECE OF CENSORED! PUT THE FIRES OUT! I'M GOING TO CHECK ON MY ROOM!"

Tsarmina's room was totally wrecked. Everything was on fire, even Tsarmina. She quickly pushed the halon button, then left before she died of poisoning.

* * *

Bane was being an idiot. He had gotten into Tsarmina's supply of happy pills. Unfortunately they had unexpected effects on the fox. He thought he had wings (and an AK47, and a halo, and a spaceship, and he thought he was a terrorist) and jumped off the building. He was saved by a passing fighter jet. The frightened hare inside quickly gunned the engine, and the 5+g acceleration promptly crushed Bane.

* * *

It was about one o'clock in the morning when a stray shell hit a torpedo boat, which somehow sank in such a way that it blocked the river. Suddenly the flood tunnels were super-effective and water came rushing into the basement of Kotir.

* * *

"WATER, WATER! Eeeeeeeeeeeew!" said a random um... squirrel. Yes, it was a mouse.

"Where, WHERE?" asked Tsarmina.

"In the basement, soaking through the floor in the first level!"

"MOVE IT! LET ME SEE!"

When Tsarmina got there, it was up to the otter's (it was an otter, right?) waist.

"You fool, it's higher now!"

Then they said in unison, "WE'RE BEING FLOODED OUT!"

* * *

Coming in Chapter 9- A Big Bloody Battle! 


	9. Chapter 9 Martin Goes Crazy

DISGLAMOUR: blah blah blah

* * *

BANGBOOMBAMKABOOMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!!!!!!!

No, it's not the bells. Artillery was firing. Bombs were going off. Guns were shooting. It was all out war, and the woodlanders were winning. Kotir was crumbling and flooding.

"This way Milady! Here's a table, I think we can both fit on it!" yelled Captain Randomguard.

"Yes, yes!" Tsarmina took the table, leaped on it, and jumped out the window.

"But what about me?"

"You'll find something, rat!"

"But-" Captain Randomguard's life was unfortunately prematurely ended by a 15-pound incendiary shell. We at Parodyco express our deepest regrets and sorrow to his family. NOT!

* * *

Tsarmina had met Martin. Martin had met Tsarmina. Everybody put down their guns and watched. Skipped went up onto a raised platform, a megaphone in hand err... paw.

"Three, two, one, FIGHT! Oh, Tsarmina fakes with her left, Martin goes in and slices her! Boy she's pissed! Oh no, she's raked Martin with her claws! But Martin has stabbed her through the arm, look at him go! Tsarmina goes in and breaks his arm with an axe. Oh boy, Martin's got Bloodwrath. Everybody listen! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! GET AWAY FROM THE CRAZY MOUSE!"

Martin had indeed gone insane. "YOU STUPID LOAF OF SMELLY CRAP! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL DECAPITATE YOU AND EAT YOUR HEAD!! ARRRRRRRRGH! Hold on a sec."

Martin reached into his pocket and pulled out two pill bottles. He took seventeen aspirins and five warrior pills, then drank a whole bottle of water. "Okay, let's RESUME! YEAH YEAH YEAH I'LL KILL YOU AND MAKE YOU EAT IT! YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

Martin leaped on Tsarmina and her battleaxe ripped a big hole in Martin's chest. Martin fell over, seemingly dead. Tsarmina leaned over him and said, "The kitty won again."

Then Martin pulled out his Desert Eagle. "No, you didn't. I did."

The last thing Tsarmina ever saw was seven bullets heading toward her head. She crumpled to the ground beside Martin.

* * *

"All of you vermin, listen up! We'll give you a pack of water (holds up dripping bundle) each. Our helicopters will chase you, and if you are too slow the Gatling gun will rip you into bite sized chunks which will be collected and shipped as relief food to developing nations. That is all."

"Has anyone seen Martin?"

"Martin, where is my matey Martin! Oh crap! Dinny, Skipper, Lady Amber, help me find Martin."

They had missed Martin on their first pass, but they uncovered him after throwing Tsarmina into the lake that was once Kotir.

"Oh god, he's dead!" Molespeech was forgotten as Dinny was very shocked.

"No he isn't, matey! He has no pulse and he's not breathing, but he's alive. Now if only I could remember CPR." Gonff began pounding Martin's chest with a rock while stomping on his belly and telling Dinny to blow on his face.

Then the med team arrived.

"What the heck do you think your doing! Get the defibrillator!"

* * *

Over the next few days they were able to stabilize Martin (whoops, too much weight! Now not enough!) enough to move him to Brockhall. Martin muttered in his unconsciousness, worrying everyone. "Rose, ROSE! Mmmf glmfff! SMACK! Oh, this is so good Rose! BOAR! STOP LOOKING AT US!"

* * *

Coming in chapter 10- We're not sure. Really! 


	10. Chapter 10 Warriors and Withdrawl

Dis-glamour: BLAH BLAH BLAH!

* * *

"HERBS?! YOU CRAZY OLD MOUSE, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM?! SOMEONE GET A REAL DOCTOR!" Dinny had forgotten molespeech again from the pressure.

"Please, I was only trying to help," said the frail old Abyss. I said Abbess!

"HELP?! Before you came, he had a pulse! After a while, he lost it! Hey you, Doctor... Frasier?! Get over here with the defiberator!"

"It's a defibrillator you retard!"

"Defiberator!"

"[this could go on all day"

* * *

A long while later Martin was all better (they had tied Germaine to a chair). But there was a new problem...

"I'm QUITTING MY HAPPY PILLS! YARRRRRRGH!" Bella threw a chair across the room and it smashed a window. Then she climbed onto the tabletop, pulled out two M60 machine guns and blasted the room to splinters.

The next day, all she did was cry. The day after, she blew up Redwall with a nuke so they had to rebuild it. After that she was normal. Except for flooding the cellars with nerve gas. And breaking Martin's sword and fixing it with super glue. And nuking the sandstone mine. And, and, and...

* * *

So there's the story. If you're not happy, I might change it. I might. NOT! I'M NOT CHANGING ANYTHING FOR MERE MORTALS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! ARRRGH STUPID LOW DOORWAY!

Just kidding :P! I need to pull a Bella and quit my happy pills. Or not.

* * *

Coming next: Credits, Deleted/Alternate Scenes, and maybe, if you're lucky, notes. 


	11. The End Part

Credits:

As him/her/itself (order of appearance): Martin, Gonff, Dinny, Columbine, Germaine (the Abyss), Coggs, Ferdy, Gingivere, Mask, Tsarmina, Iforgothisname, Verdauga, Ashleg, Fortunata, Bella, Otter (of Skippers), Amber (the lady), Boar, unnamed random characters, and lots of redshirts.

Cameo Roles: Doctor Frasier ('s actor, we don't know) voicing digital mousification of herself, Mattimeo as flashback Martin, Matthias as flashback Luke, Amanda Tapping as female hare voice, Captain Picard as boat guy, Skipperjo as some random otter, Barney Calhoun as one of the soldiers, Richard Dean Anderson as funny soldier, and um, uh, that guy who plays McKay as the guy who died of citrus.

Extras: 500 long term, 10000 short term.

Sound by Hypersound Labs, encoded in DTS EX 6.1. THX certified! Also available in original UltraSound 500Point 3D!

Special FX onstage and post by FXLABS.

Editing by FXLABS.

Written by- um, uh, well, uh, you see, uh, we don't know his name.

A John Smith film directed by um... uh... we don't know. Some bum off the street who was wearing funny clothes and carried a crowbar. Good director, except he was mute. (whoever can guess this first gets a lollipop)

Film, colour and whatever by CAMLABS UltraHD 6000x9000 64bit. It took us fifty Seagate terabyte drives to hold this movie!

* * *

Deleted/Alternate Scenes:

Flashbacks- Chapter One

Deleted due to poor editing and lost content.

Martin walked aimlessly down the past. He was hopelessly lost. Why have I come here, he asked herself. HIMSELF! I said HIMself!

Rose.

_(Flashback)_

"_Oh hee hee hee, yay a battle!" said Rose._

"_OKAY YOU MAGGOTS, LISTEN UP! FROM NOW ON YOU ARE MAGGOTS! OUR PLAN IS TO RUSH THE GATE WITH TANKS! WAIT, THERE ARE NO TANKS! USE THESE CARDBOARD BOXES! LEFT TURN, QUICK MARCH, HALT, RIGHT TURN, DIS-MISS!"_

"_Oh Martin you're so romantic! I'd say more but this movie is not a romance. If I'm too romantic that guy will beat me with the crowbar-YARRGH!"_

_(Director beating Rose with a crowbar)_

"_Aaaaaaaaah help me Martin!"_

_(Rose jumps onto the beach out of Harm's way)_

"_Uh guys his name isn't Harm. Get back to JAG, you idiots."_

_(Oh right. A toilet comes flying and kills Rose.)_

_(/Flashback)_

Sigh. He really loved Rose.

_(Flashback)_

"_Listen up homies. I gotta leave these digs cuz- WAIT A SEC! WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT! CUT, CUT, CUT!"_

_(/Flashback)_

Sigh again. Stupid editors. And that retard director. And his father was a real nutjob too.

_(Flashback)_

_(STATIC AND BRIGHT WHITE)_

_(/Flashback)_

And then there was that idiot who went around opening film cans. Wait, it was filmed digitally. Huh?

Hacker.

END SCENE

Random Self-Inclusion- Chapter 3

Altered due to self-insertion. Actually some stupid gaffer left the door to the set open, but it isn't OUR fault.

Martin was desperate for water. Gonff was angry with Martin. Dinny was angry with Martin. Heck, Martin was angry with Martin. So all the sudden some stupid odd creature named Chris7221 jumps out with a garden hose and sprays them. Martin of course screamed "Who the hell are you and what are you doing? THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" Then the director came and chased Chris7221 out with a crowbar.

END SCENE

Romance- Chapter 2 or 3

Deleted due to romance. It cheated us out of a $5000 endorsement people.

"Oh Gonff, I'll miss you so much. What if you die?"

"Don't worry my love, I have life insurance. Plus they always say mice have nine lives."

"Oh, I'm so glad you have J.B. and Sons life insurance."

J.B. and Sons life insurance- our flexible plans flex to fit your lifestyle. One non-flexible plan availible, with $5000 per year pay in and $2000 payout. J.B. and Sons- we steal your money!

END SCENE

* * *

Can anyone guess who the guy with the crowbar is? Here's a hint- he's from a well known video game. 


End file.
